User blog:JasmineHedgewolf/Jasmine Critiques Fan Characters
Hi! So, I thought: "Hey! Why not give some critique to some characters? ('Cause this is TOTES original!!!111!1) Anyway, If you want a detailed run-through of your character's page, just leave a link to your character's page in the waiting list below! Almost forgot, type your character's name before the link in the waiting list to avoid confusion. Peace for now ^_^ Waiting List 1. Lia the Cat 2. Khaine the Fox 3 Tobias the Hedgehog 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Sheridan The Bat Quick note for Enemicarium: I understand you are Italian and I respect that. I just want to warn you that this might be slightly harsh in terms of grammar and spelling. Physical Description I'll be honest, I don't think this should be on the top of your page. I would suggest a small factfile on your character first. "Sheridan is a black bat with red short beard and hair, yellow eyes, with the left eye covered by a monocular and with an evident scar on it, always seen wearing violet and white elengant clothes with fur around the neck, a top hat, black trousers and black shoes." I noticed this whole passage is one sentence. I would seriously consider changing this passage to something along these lines (Italic represents changes and additions): "Sheridan is a black bat with a'' red short beard and ''matching hair. He has yellow eyes. His ''left eye ''is concealed by a monocle and an evident scar. He is always seen wearing violet and white clothes lined with fur around the neck. He is seen with a top hat, black trousers and identical shoes." But, that is just a starting point. This style of writing is most suitable for stories instead of a character profile. You can do so much with this section and give such a solid idea to your potential readers. "differently from many mobians that usually don't wear nothing , if not a pair of shoes, he is always seen fully dressed to hide the many scars that cover his muscular body, he has even got long pointy nails, clawed feet, and a double ended tail" Well, I'm afraid there is quite a lot wrong with this passage. The first sentence should start with a capital letter and end with a period, not a comma. Also, the part "usually don't wear nothing" ticks me off more than you realise. 'Don't wear nothing' is a ''double-negative ''phrase. Unless you are implying that Mobians usually wear something, avoid phrases like that and change it to "Don't wear anything". Actually, avoid those phrases altogether. "if not a pair of shoes, he is always seen fully dressed to hide the many scars that cover his muscular body," This sentence would be actually be fine if you changed the sentence starter "if not a pair of shoes". Other than that, this passage just needs to have common errors (Periods instead of commas, capital letters at the beginning of each sentence etc.) fixed and it would then be up to standards :3 I know some of you reading through this are like "Just get to the point, already!". So, I'm just going to give my general opinion on each part and why I think that. Story All in all, the story's concept is actually alright because it is not cliche. Instead of being born in a lab and experimented on with no side-effects, Sheridan was actually captured and brought to a lab which formed his callous exterior and temporary condition. However, there are flaws with this. When Sheridan and his peers escape the lab, they are soon cured of their problems, lowering the importance of the role the science lab played in Sheridan's life. Making Sheridan's condition still present but more tame would certainly make him more interesting. Another thing, there are still common mistakes present here. Personality I'll admit, the character's personality is on the brink of being downright illogical. Not only is the character fun loving internally, but he is also dark and envious. This would be alright if the character had a mental disorder. But, since the profile doesn't say Sheridan has a mental problem, it instantly makes this character less realistic. An explanation as to why Sheridan has certain traits will make you more credible. Combat I don't think your character's main power is thought out well enough. Your character's power is control of a corrosive energy. I don't believe energy is corrosive and I also certainly believe there hasn't been any undiscovered energy forms as of today. As I said before, explanations will make you more credible. But as I read on, I have realised your character has several attacks and powers which are pretty overpowered. I also read your character's weaknesses and I can tell you this, they don't fit with your character's attacks. Unless the opponent is incompetent, you would need high stamina and speed to pull off these attacks. Super Form I don't have a whole lot to say about this. This is actually alright, despite the common mistakes but people can help you out with that. This is quite original and balanced in terms of advantages and disadvantages. Not much you need to change here ^^ Relationships This is something I can't help you with. Not because it is damaged beyond repair, it's because I don't know who you want your character to like or dislike. Diet It's... okay. One big problem, though. You really shouldn't be voicing your opinions on a character's profile, especially when they are biased. Other than that, it's decent. Job This is actually well explained. Good job! ^^ Archie Comic Form I actually don't like characters who have more than version of himself/herself. Take for example, Jasmine the Hedge-wolf (My fan character). She is a character in her own universe but has no other versions of herself (That was a pretty unnecessary example but it means free promotion :P). Anyway, I feel like this entire section was uncalled for and shouldn't really be here. But, if you really don't want to delete it or don't care, then I will give my opinion. It's not bad and doesn't really need improving. Chao Allergy This is... interesting. I haven't seen many characters with this allergy so, kudos to you. There isn't much I need to say, to be honest. Trivia If Sheridan can become blind in his left eye after removing his monocle, then this should be a weakness rather than an extra piece of information on him. Also, stating that you are a foreigner on the trivia was a pretty bad idea, as it is unnecessary and off-topic. A disclaimer on the top of the page would have sufficed. One last thing, I feel as if the inspiration for Sheridan's name was the only thing that actually belonged to the Trivia section. Explaining why Sheridan wears a fur-lined coat should be in the 'Physical Description' section. To conclude, I will give my opinion on the character. It has great potential but has to be developed and improved further to achieve this potential. Really Enemicarium, you can do wonders with this character, you just need to take this advice on board and improve your character on your own. Paradox The Hedgehog Alright, I'll actually start with the very top of the page. This quote of your character is pretty good. It instantly tells the reader what/who your character is without it being random (As this is a quote from a fan-fiction you are creating, I understand). Also, this little description of your character under your quote is great! Except for one little error: "bring his original body back and erase the universe, but also to get revenge on Sonic the Hedgehog who destroyed his original body". The problem with this passage is the "But also to get revenge on" part. I strongly suggest changing this to "He also wants revenge on" or anything better. Basic Information I really like this section, especially when it includes a table. However, you should convert your character's height and weight into metric units (For the purposes of non-Americans, like me! :3) Design This is well described and well written. However, there is one sentence that does not belong in that passage: "This was Titanium562's first attempt at drawing on computer!" I strongly advise you to either put this piece of information in the trivia section or to leave this out entirely. History This nice and organised, good job! ^^ Center of Time This is very well written and explanatory. There is one teeny tiny flaw. You put an apostrophe on Eggmans. But I still love this because the way you described what happened to make this character come to be this makes him seem like a possible canon character. That is something quite rare. Great job! Spring Yard Zone Okay, this passage: "He knew he then had to get back his original body and complete his original task, and in order to do this he needed a gigantic supply of chaos energy to get is power back." There are a few faults here. The part "his original task, and in order to do this" is improper because the part "And in order to do this" has an unnecessary 'and' at the beginning. Also, you wrote "Get is power back" instead of "Get his power back". Other than that, it's good. ^^ Eggman's Base It's very detailed throughout but it has a HUGE continuity error. If both Eggmans were erased from time and space, how can Eggman's Base even exist? Unknown Meadow Prior to the loophole in the previous passage, this scene shouldn't have happened. Try and find another way of Sonic and his team finding out about Paradox. Perhaps through a friend who saw Paradox doing something he shouldn't. Emerald Coast One thing you should do to make this section credible, replace Eggman with Tails and you're good to go! Angel Island Same thing applies here, just remove all mention of Eggman and you've got yourself a loophole-free story! :D Abilities Your character seems overpowered with all of these abilities. So he can run as fast as Sonic, can spawn wings seemingly at will and can predict the future? With these abilities, it makes me wonder why Paradox couldn't get the Master Emerald before Sonic was even aware he existed. Weaknesses There is only one weakness here and it isn't even that intense. Being cocky is just a personality flaw. If Knuckles does overpower Paradox, at least give him another weakness which leaves him vulnerable to others (E.g. Slow reflexes, low defence or even a fear of echidnas with a good reason). Relationships The only problem here is that Paradox's relationship with Eggman can't exist. This is because of the loophole in your character's backstory. The trivia and extra is fine but I noticed your character is under the 'Cyborg' category. I would really appreciate an explaination. To conclude this article, I will give my general opinion on the character. Despite the loophole in Paradox's story, the character is well-written and very unique. I have never seen this idea before and I can see a lot of possibilities with this character. Keep working on your fan-fiction and work on your character a bit more, though. It's nearly there! ^^ River the Echidna Category:Blog posts